Mr. Bacon’s Visit

This past week was such a busy time for my household. We were in a frenzy of cleaning and preparations: dusting and vacuuming, readying the guest chamber. You see, we were expecting the arrival of one of the most renowned and erudite celebrities of the blogosphere…yes, you guessed correctly. None other than Mr. Bacon!!

I knew this visit would be a whirlwind of activity…Mr. Bacon’s ‘handlers’ keep his schedule fast-paced and there is always much pressure to fit in all his scheduled engagements…and yet I hoped to still have some time to get to know ‘the man himself’, away from all the hoopla of his more public persona.

Alas…the beginning of our visit did not get off to the best of starts.

RUN Mr. Bacon!

Mr. Bacon’s legs are, regretfully, rather short.

Oh my! <muffled shrieks of HELP!>

 As you can see, things got a little dicey for Mr. Bacon. Zeus got a whiff of his bacony mojo—and deemed him irresistible.

<louder shrieks><muffled giggles>

<arg!>

 

<oof!>

Things happened rather fast. But at last order was restored.

The whole episode took a little shine off our guest. A bath was  ordered for Mr. Bacon…or HG (His Greasiness), as we now call him here. Followed by a time out in the birdbath spa, to regain some lost composure.

Mr. Bacon relaxes after 'his ordeal'.

After some R&R HG was “fit as a fiddle” and ready for his much awaited visit to the Arizona Novel Writers Workshop.

Mr. Bacon treats the ANWW to a reading of his dissertation

There he deigned not to hear any of our “country scribblings”, but offered instead to read us his 400 page dissertation on, The Benefits Obtained by Living a Kosher Lifestyle, or (subtitle) Failing That, At Least Be a Vegetarian For Pete’s Sake.

This was a surprise (and, I must say, a little bit of a disappointment) to those attending, since we had presumed HG would be giving us advice on OUR writing. But HG brushed aside our misgivings, and, after dealing with my ‘silly question’ as to who this Pete was, for who’s sake we should become vegetarian, launched into the opening pages.

The suggestion was made that perhaps the title should be shortened, (and indeed, the entire thing) to perhaps say: The Benefits of Being Vegetarian. This made HG scoff. You see, (he informed us, chest puffed and head high) his host with whom he resides is obtaining his MFA, and he therefore knows that lengthy titles are de rigueur for dissertations. In fact, it can hardly be considered a dissertation without a lengthy title. To which I responded, stutteringly, (he’s very intimidating) that I knew that. I have, after all, “been to Berkeley”. I could see this disclosure had the desired effect, and I was greatly raised in HG’s esteem. (He needn’t know it was for a Joan Baez concert back in the 70’s.)

Dissertation read, I awoke the other members of the ANWW, and we commenced to party. And I must say, HG is a man, err, bacon strip, who can hold his own.

Bacon with wine

 

Hurry back, Mr. Bacon!!

HG exerts his charisma and tames the beast

 

 

 

For more bacon bits check out my friend Julia’s blog. And if you’re still craving more, try Melissa’s blog. To reach Mr. Bacon at home go to Patrick’s blog.

 

 

Slaying the Green-Backed Dragon

I was visiting with a friend last week who, like me, and many of you, is a writer with a day job. The topic of wishing we could write fulltime is one that has come up before, and it came up again. We both bemoan our need to earn money, and joke about wishing we could retire or win the lottery, or some such, which would enable us to write—unencumbered by odious day jobs that have nothing to do with our Real Work. She and I have a writer friend who has that leisure. And we both envy him those long days of uninterrupted writing. He is cranking out some wonderful stuff.

I grouse about this issue to someone at least once a week, especially if it’s a bad week for the day job. Or a really good week for the writing—in which case, anything that takes me away from what I really should be doing is viewed as evil. There are days when I am sure my day job has robbed the world of the enjoyment of my genius. When I am certain that, had I been left alone to write, I would have created something remarkable. I write this in jest, but even as I write it, a small part of me thinks it might not be B.S. Such is the hopeful ego of a writer.

But here’s the thing. Another part of me secretly suspects that if I didn’t have this pressure to make the most of my writing time—I wouldn’t write nearly as much, or nearly so well.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my craving for writing time makes me hot to sit down and write. It’s the impetus that springs me out of bed at 5 am, to stumble downstairs, grab a cup of tea, and eagerly crouch over my computer keyboard for the next three hours—sometimes with my heart racing. I don’t know if I would feel the same ardor for it, if I had all the hours in the day. Maybe I would, but I’m not sure.

And here’s another thing. I meet all kinds of characters, overhear every kind of crazy, sad, poignant, weird, greedy, profane, sublime conversation in the course of my work day. The folks I meet come from all walks of life: clean-cut villains and tattooed angels; type-A workaholics and winsome widows; lonely, paint-splattered men who try to tell me dirty jokes, and funny, chain-smoking gurus. My workday is a cornucopia of characters. And they fill me up with stories!

Would I meet so many vivid characters if I didn’t have to venture forth and slay the green-backed dragon? I think not.

Still…I would be willing to try it.

I could always get another day job if things weren’t working out.

Writers: Do you have a day job? How does it affect your writing time? If you don’t have a day job, do you ever suffer from writer’s block?

Oh and, FYI, caring for young children is having a day job. So don’t feel left out of the conversation, if parenting is what you do!

Dialogue: 4 Easy Ways to Improve Yours

There are a variety of mistakes to be made with dialogue. Thankfully, none of them are life-threatening. If you make them your neighbors won’t find you unconscious on the floor of your study and have to call 911.

These mistakes should still be avoided, however. They show up in most of the stuff I read by new writers. And they sometimes (cringe) show up in my own first drafts. But that’s before I have gone in after them, Bowie knife clenched between my teeth. (It’s a red pen, really, but I like to pretend.)

The first one of these boring little tension ruiners is dialogue that is too direct, as in the case of these two characters who meet in the break room where one of them is using the copier:

“Hi, Sandy. How are you?” Crystal put her papers in the copier and pressed start.

“I’m fine, Crystal. How are you?” Sandy walked over to the copier.

“I’m okay. I’m busy today.”

“Oh, you’re busy today? Me too.”

Blah, blah, blah…you get the idea. Who gives a hoot about these two chicks, right? This exchange doesn’t tell us anything about what’s going on inside these characters’ heads. It’s all surface. They sound like robots. And there’s no tension in their exchange. Tension comes from conflict. Conflict in dialogue is attained by showing that one character wants something that causes the other character to resist. Like this:

Man: “I think we should move in together.”

Woman: “I think you should put your shoes back on. Your socks stink.”

Okay, admittedly I am writing this late at night and am possibly a little punchy from lack of sleep. But you can see what’s going on here, right? He wants to talk about moving in together, and she doesn’t. They are in opposition.

To write interesting dialogue you must first know your characters, and you must understand what their motivations and desires are.  And then you must thwart them, as soundly as possible. And, while you’re at it, if you can amuse your reader or arouse some other unexpected emotion in them, so much the better.

So…dialogue should have conflict, and be interesting or amusing.

Another dialogue mistake I often see is the dreaded information dump:

“Hello. My name is Sam Brown and I have been sent by xyz detective agency, where I am the top P.I. to investigate the murder of the beautiful stripper who was killed here late last night when nobody was around to hear her screams.”

Ugh, right? Wouldn’t Sam be more interesting if he was portrayed as a cool cat with an air of mystery about him? And some of this could certainly be given to the reader as exposition or description. Like this:

A man in a black suit stepped into the back room of the strip club. Taking care to avoid the congealing pool of blood on the floor around the body, he withdrew an ID from his breast pocket and flipped it open for me.

“Sam Brown, xyz agency.” He lifted his chin in the direction of the girl on the floor. “Beautiful girl.” He flipped his ID closed and it disappeared back into his pocket. “Family’s hired me to find out who ruined her day.”

Leaving your reader wanting to know more is rarely a bad  thing. It’s what keeps them turning pages. We don’t have to front load every detail into a scene. Just give them enough to keep them reading, and to avoid confusion. More than that is too much.

So…have conflict and interest, but don’t spill the beans.

The third dialogue mistake I see in manuscripts is all dialogue, and no description or exposition or internalization. This can work for a while, but when it goes on for pages and pages, it’s boring. Not even Hemingway could pull this off. So, unless you are better at dialogue than the Grand Poobah of dialogue himself, best to steer away from endless dialogue. Give the reader some info about who’s speaking, what’s going on, and why the reader should care.

Lastly we come to the use of tags.

Some writers feel these should never be anything other than he said, she said. That we should never say she yelled, or he whispered, he whimpered or she cried. I don’t agree. I do think these should be kept to a minimum, however. And well written dialogue can make these sorts of tags unnecessary. But sometimes they are okay to use, and as long as they are not excessive I think most readers are fine with them.

No tag at all is the best option, as long as we don’t lose or confuse the reader. One of the best ways to accomplish not using a tag is to use an action to identify who is speaking:

“I think you should put your shoes back on. Your socks stink.” Jezebel held Fred’s shoes out to him.

“Won’t you at least consider moving in together?” Fred reached for his wingtips.

For the next few lines of dialogue you could get away without identifying the speaker. We are following their conversation and the opposing sides are enough to tell us who is speaking. But after several lines it is a good idea to add another action to verify for the reader who is speaking. If the reader has to stop and try to figure it out, that’s bad. We’ve lost her, and the flow is interrupted.

You could even add something to this scene by giving the reader a peek inside one character’s head. Like this:

“I think you should put your shoes back on. Your socks stink.” Jezebel held Fred’s shoes out to him.

“Won’t you at least consider moving in together?” Fred reached for his wingtips. He knew he should have done a more thorough search for the Camembert he’d dropped down the couch last week.

Puts a whole different spin on what’s happening, doesn’t it? Poor Fred. His feet don’t really stink. He’s just a shoddy housekeeper.

Still…I don’t think Jezebel should move in with him. Maybe it’s the wingtips.

So, to recap: dialogue should have conflict and should never be mundane or boring. It should not be used to give too much information. It should not go on and on for pages without any description or action to break it up. And should not distract us with the overuse of tags.

Dialogue should also move the plot along and give the reader insight into the characters. But if you master the four techniques I’ve suggested, then the rest will follow.

It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.
                                                                                                                                                                                          Ernest Hemingway

 

Writers: What things bother you when you’re reading dialogue? Is there anything you find distracting?  What dialogue situations cause you problems in your own writing? Do you prefer writing dialogue or descriptive passages? How do you know when you have the balance right? How do you feel about the use of tags?

Are You a Writer?

The question came up at the Arizona Novel Writers Workshop:  How do you know if you’re a writer? It was asked by Liz – an excellent writer of the murder mystery persuasion.

The question, and the various replies to it, got my brain perking.

How do you know you’re a writer? When can that label be legitimately claimed for one’s self?

For me, I think  I first thought of myself as a writer when I was in college, taking a creative writing course. I completed my first story, beginning to end. It was terrible. Something about a woman being sexually harassed by her boss, who was a florist. As I write this I can actually feel my shoulders hunch a little, remembering how bad that story was, and that I proudly showed it to my classmates and professor. At the time I thought it was so ‘true to life’. My next completed story was a pretentious little piece of tripe about some rich kids whose hobnobbing, partying parents neglected them, which of course ended in tragedy. Very subtle literary tragedy, I was certain - I was going through my F. Scott Fitzgerald phase just then.

But irregardless of how rotten my skills were, how faulty the execution was, and the naiveté of my young human perceptions, one thing was certain: I liked writing. I liked it a lot.

And as a result I started seeing myself as a writer. Which seems to have worked, because I have since become one.  Perhaps the metaphysicians are correct and being a writer (a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker) is linked to first imagining yourself as one.

So, in response to Liz’s question, I have compiled this list of ways to ‘tell’ if you are a writer, or not.

• You often wake during the night with an idea that makes you get out of bed and write it down.
• You sometimes shout out the obvious (to you) next plot development during movies, resulting in your family and friends irritably shushing you for ‘giving away the ending’.
• You have an uncommon (perhaps even unseemly) fondness for books.
• The weird people you meet fascinate you as possible characters in your next novel or short story.
• If you suddenly found yourself without fingers, you’d find a way to type with your toes.
• You eves drop on conversations you’re not part of.  And then mentally edit them.
• You spend more on paper, notebooks, pens and printer ink then you do on shoes. (This sign is an especially good indicator if you are female, or a drag queen.)
• You become truculent when you don’t have time to write.
• You know what truculent means.
• It’s 4pm, you’ve been working all day, you’re still in your pajamas, and the dog has made a puddle in the kitchen because you neglected to let her out.
• You continue to write, despite those depressing blogs and articles saying how slim your chances are of getting published or finding an agent.
• You’re not afraid of the voices in your head. You like them.
• You have at least as many conversations with imaginary folks as ‘real’ ones. You don’t totally buy the distinction.
• You know you ate, the empty plate on your desk is evidence, but you can’t remember doing it or what it was.
• You enjoy nothing better than torturing the heroine/hero.
• You’ve gleefully told a friend that you killed someone that morning/day/evening . . . and that you enjoyed it. 

What are your thoughts? If you write, when did you first begin to think of yourself as ‘a writer’?

 

A Pox on E-Readers!

Yea, that’s right, you heard me;  a pox on ‘em!

(Or maybe just a nasty little e-book virus. Dead power source, maybe?)

Okay, that may seem a little harsh…let me explain.

I am sick to here (picture me with my hand to my brow) of hearing statements like, “E-books are the wave of the future” and “paper books will soon be obsolete.”

Really? I don’t think so.

Oh, and let’s not forget my favorite comment – uttered by a guy a mere 10 years younger than me and possessed of a head like a bristly blond cement block, “you need to get with the new technology and stop being techno-resistant.” My reply to him? Dude, I love technology; I am on my laptop hours a day. I do the research for my writing on the internet. I carry a cell phone. I have a website, and a blog, for crise sake!

See, this last comment is the very crux of why I am irritated. Some people (and the list includes pretty much anyone who doesn’t really know me) assume that since I don’t want to run out and purchase an e-reader it’s because I am afraid of technology – and I find this misconception both patronizing and annoying.

So let’s put that one to bed first..                                                        

I love useful technology and embrace it. The kind of technology where life would be harder or less convenient without it. The conception of the World Wide Web was the most important invention since the wheel in my opinion. And cell phones are right up there with penicillin.

It’s the gratuitous stuff that I have a problem with; the ‘new technology’ that seems designed merely to make us think we have to have it, but which really doesn’t add any significant value to our lives. And yes, I am talking about e-readers, here.

So, let’s have no more of that kind of techno-resistance talk.

Here’s the thing: I love books. REAL books. The kind that beckon to me from the bookstore or library shelf like a siren’s call to a randy sailor. I love the feel and smell of them. The heft and girth of them. (And yea, I prefer the big ones – when it comes to books, size does matter – pass me one of Diana Gabaldon’s 1000 page pleasers). I love the colorful jacket art and turning them over in my hands to read the back copy; opening the cover to read the long teaser coyly hidden inside the front jacket. Bookstores? Wonderland. Used bookstores? Dusty-smelling, dimly-lit Heaven. Used bookstore with a latte machine? Ahhh, Paradise.

Are you starting to breath heavy yet? Cause I am.

I love holding the book  in my left hand and slowly turning the pages with my right. It’s something tactile. And don’t give me that bunk about how you can do that with an e-reader, cause I’ve tried it, and honey, it ain’t the same. It’s a simulation of the experience, not the experience itself.

I’m not buying that argument that e-books will save trees, either. Human beings consume trees in the form of paper in a thousand ways every day. Are those who claim e-readers should replace real books for this reason installing bidets and giving up toilet paper? I doubt it. (I see those jumbo packs of extra plush and soft in your baskets at Wal-Mart.) When you give up your TP, then maybe I’ll start to take your tree hugging sentiments serious.

Alright, so let’s look at some pros and cons of real books VS the virtual.

If I drop my real book in the pool or tub – two of my favorite places to read – I simply fish it out. A day on the cool decking or on top of the dryer and it’s good to go.

An e-reader? Hmmm….Last I heard they aren’t water-proof, or even resistant. (The e-reader industry’s solution to this is a $40 zip-lock bag thingy. Double yuk.)

Advocates say an e-reader is great to take on vacation.

So’s a real book.

“But you can take all the books you want – loaded inside an e-reader,”  my friend Bethany will say.

Well, what kind of vacation are we talking about? Am I going to read more than one book?

“E-reader downloads have become really, really cheap.”

Uh huh. The last REAL book I purchased, a onetime best-seller, cost me 25 cents. Boo yah!

“The classics are now free downloads.”

Okay, now that’s a nice feature. I like to read a classic a few times a year. (Reading Ivanhoe at present). Granted they are, and have always been, available for free at the public library. Enough said.

“E-books help avoid the problem of having to get a publisher to accept your novel for publication. Someday everyone will just create their own e-files and sell them on Amazon.” This from a few writers I know and articles/blogs I’ve read.

Have the people that like this idea actually read any self published books lately? Because I have – and let me tell you, not many are up to the standards of what’s published by the industry. Does the publishing industry ever publish dreck? Absolutely. But most of what makes it to our bookstore shelves is well-written and well-edited. A lot of the self published stuff is barely even proofread, let alone edited. Imagine wading through a dung heap of self indulgent, low-brow gibberish to find the gems.

(This is not to say every self published book is terrible – there are some very good ones. But they are the exceptions. I know, I know: you think yours is one of them. Well it’s NOT! Can you say re-write? Go back to your desk and rethink that plot, deepen the conflict and develop your characters. Then have someone else read it for you. And I don’t mean your wife and 12 year old daughter. They love you, so they’re gonna lie. Have someone with an English degree read it – preferably someone who has read thousands of books.)

But that’s another blog.

Okay, now that I’ve had my little rant – and you have been very kind to stick with me and read it – let me just say, I actually like e-readers. I feel they are a nice addition to real books. And anything that encourages folks, especially younger ones, to read, is a good thing.

Just don’t try and tell me they are going to ever replace REAL books.

Click the link below for another viewpoint:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/05/books/05ebooks.html?_r=2&src=me&ref=books

What would you pay for an e-book?

http://reviews.cnet.com/8301-18438_7-10450009-82.html

 

Want to weigh in? I’d love to hear what you think! Feel free to reply in the comments section below.